Finally 2/3

[rain_n_snow]

Dean leaned against the wall of the shower, thoughts running faster than the water. ‘What the fuck?’ He had no idea what had just happened. He was so scared that he had just ruined a lifetime of friendship, trust, love, hell--hero worship.

His brother had seemed to need him, need what they had done, but had he? Or had Dean, with his incessant desire for something he should never want, let alone have, taken advantage of his brother’s happiness, his relief that he was back from hell and in one piece?

He was so scared. The fear formed a tight knot deep inside his gut. What if he had made it through hell only to create his own hell on earth? Sam was his baby brother, his responsibility, and his life. Had been since the day his father had thrust a six month old Sam into his arms and told him to get him out of the burning house. He had clutched that sweet little bundle so tight, silently promising in his four year old head that never again would he let anything threaten Sammy. He had loved him with all of his being, in every way possible since that moment. Now had he become the monster that hurt Sammy?

He had explained what little he understood about his shocking return from hell to Sam on the walk back from the beach, both needing time to sort through things, unsure and confused about what had happened.

His fingers went without thinking to the handprint on his shoulder. He still wasn’t sure he fully understood the responsibility and demands that came along with his release from hell. But, that would all come soon enough. Right now, he needed to focus on Sam, and on what just happened and how he should proceed from here.

Just remembering what happened between himself and Sam less than a half hour ago brought him back to semi arousal. ‘Get it under control, Winchester.’ He silently chastised himself, and tried to remember exactly what had been said during those out of control moments on the beach.

Sam had been so happy to see him, so needy in his desperation to assure himself that Dean was alive and unharmed. Had Dean assumed things were different than they really were, taken that need out of context? Had he taken advantage of Sam’s vulnerability and let loose the lifetime of need for his brother that had built up inside him, that threatened to choke him sometimes?

Getting his arousal under control, Dean finished washing, shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. He threw a towel around his hips before glancing in the mirror over the sink. Scrubbing a hand over his face, and through his wet spiky hair he groaned and left the bathroom to confront the mess he had made.

Sam waited in the small kitchen, a frown of consternation knitting his brow. Dean had seemed completely freaked out. He had done it; what he had promised himself for years he would never do. Not five seconds after getting his beloved big brother back, he had lost it, showed Dean what a freak he was, and Dean, being Dean, had given Sam what he wanted, what he needed.

Like always, he put Sam’s needs first and damn his own.

A small hiccup of sound hitched out of his chest as he listened to Dean shower, wishing he didn’t have to face this, wishing he wasn’t going to hear Dean tell him he couldn’t stay, not after finding out what a disgusting human being his brother really was. The fear that knotted his belly made him want to double over and keen out his pain. He couldn’t lose Dean again. He wouldn’t be able to live through it this time, already he could feel the emptiness creeping back in to strangle him.

When he heard the water shut off, he drew in a deep breath and sat up straighter. He had taken a quick shower in the second bathroom and was waiting, wearing a pair of low slung cotton sleep pants and nothing else. Now he wished he had put on a shirt. At the time he hadn’t even thought about it, but now he wanted the cover, to hide. Mostly he wanted to curl in on himself and die.

“Sam?” Dean’s whiskey voice was soft and quiet, but Sam jerked like he had been slapped, turning hesitant eyes to look at his big brother, then quickly glancing away. But not before taking in his brother’s beautiful damp body, covered only by that tiny towel. Knowing now what was there made it even harder.

The look Sam gave him caused a frisson of deeper fear to shimmer through Dean. His baby brother looked scared, vulnerable and unsure. Like eight year old Sam who used to call out for Dean when the sounds in the night disturbed his sleep. Dean wished he could just lift up his blankets and invite Sam in to sooth all his fears like he had back then. He wasn’t good at talking and now he had a lot of explaining and apologizing to do, possibly even some begging.

How could he assure Sam that he would never again take advantage of his love for his big brother? Never force him to do things that put that fear in his eyes again? He should just go away, but he knew that wasn’t an option. No matter how much he knew he should, even deeper was the certainty that he would never have the strength to walk away.

But Sam would. Sam would leave him now, like he had before, only this time it would be because he had used his brother, had taken out his own selfish, sick needs on him. Dean wanted to fall to his knees and beg. ‘Please Sammy, I will never let you see that ugly side of me again. Never force myself on you when you need reassurance and comfort. Just don’t leave me. Please God, don’t leave me. I can’t breathe without you. You are the only thing that kept me going while I was in hell. Your face was the only beacon of light in that endless dark.’ If he thought that would work, he would do it, he would fall to his knees like a supplicant and plead. He was no longer above that. But he also had no idea what to do, how to make things better. Above all, he wanted Sam to trust him and look up to him like he always had, and now that would never be possible again.

“I’m so sorry, Sammy.” Was all he could choke out around the tightness of his throat.

When Sam looked at him, confusion and something else, indefinable in his eyes, he found a way to continue. “I…oh God…it will never happen again. I wish I could take it back, but can we just forget it? Pretend it never happened? Please?” He didn’t even mind the pleading tone his voice had taken on. Didn’t care how weak he sounded, because hell, he was weak. And losing Sam would break him.

Sam pushed out of his chair, leaning his hands on the sink, his shoulders slumped, unable to look at his brother. Of course he wanted to forget, he was probably completely disgusted. “Forget? If that’s what you want Dean. Whatever…”

“Look,” pressing the palms of his hands hard into his eyes, Dean sighed as if in pain, “I know you can’t just forget immediately. But if you just give it a little time, just don’t run, don’t leave. And…and I wont hurt you like that again, I won’t…” He didn’t know what else to say.

Turning to face his big brother, Sam leaned his hips against the counter and searched Dean’s face with his gaze. “Hurt me? Dean, you didn’t hurt me. I know you want to forget, and I will try. But, you can’t take this one. You don’t get to take responsibility for my sick desires.”

Dean met his eyes, confusion bleeding in to push out the fear and worry. “Your sick desires? I took advantage of the situation, Sam, I took advantage of you. You were so happy to see me.” He smiled ruefully. “So excited and sweet, yes, I said you were sweet, Sam,” His smile faded and twisted into a grimace, “and I took that opportunity and showed you a side of me that is wrong and you can’t know how sorry I am. I promised myself you would never know, and I let it slip…”

Realization dawned, along with a spark of impossible hope. Two paces of those long legs and Sam was toe to toe with his brother. “No. I wanted you. I wanted you to touch me. I have wanted you….” He trailed off, not sure how much information was too much. “I still want you. That wasn’t half of what I want, Dean. You just have no idea.”

Unable to process this information, still sure that it couldn’t be possible, Dean stood watching his brother, their faces separated by mere inches. “Because you want to make me happy? Because you think it’s what I want?”

“Damnit Dean…shit.” Sam ran a hand through his still damp mop of hair, but it settled right down over his eyes. “No, not because you want it. Please listen to me. Hear me. I want you, and I have wanted you, so much, for a long time. And it‘s not just sexual. You are my best friend, my hero, and the only person I‘ve ever truly loved.”

Dean raised a slightly shaky hand to follow the path Sam’s had just taken through the silky locks of dark hair on his brother’s head. He couldn’t imagine anyone finding out the stupid fascination he had with that hair. He wanted to run his fingers through it all the time, wanted always to breath in the scent of shampoo and Sam, bury his face in it. “Sam.” Dean’s voice broke as he wrapped his fingers in that hair, his heart filled to the point of bursting, he pulled his brother into his embrace. “Me too, little brother. I just couldn’t believe that you would stay, that you could stand the sight of me if you knew. But, you are the reason for everything in my life, always have been.”

‘Finally.’ Sam thought and sighed, his arms wrapped around his brother, burying his face in the curve of Dean’s neck, his heart so full he thought it might burst.

‘Finally.’ Dean smiled into Sam’s hair, he was finally where he had always wanted to be.

chap 3