rain_n_snow | I'm Showing You How Epic We Would Be -- Chapter 5 (Reply)

Fic title: I’m Showing You How Epic We Would Be
Author name: deansgirl369
Artist name: Acuarella_117
Genre: rps
Pairing: j2
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 28,000+
Warnings: a little angst
Summary: Jensen and Jared are in love with each other, but neither has let the other in on the secret yet. Then Jensen finds a hidden list that might help him show Jared just how perfect they could be together.
Link to fic:
read here –deansgirl369

Link to art:
this way to beautiful art—acuarella_117

_____

Jared watched from a short distance, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene before him. His hands and jaw were clenched to the point of pain and cramping, but he hadn’t realized it consciously. His stomach felt like someone was trying to shove a hot poker through it and he was trembling with the need to move, to physically remove the hand sitting low on Jensen’s back, twist it until it brought the man attached to said hand to his knees. He had always liked Tom, they had become friends aside from just being connected through Jensen, but he was feeling no love for the man right now.

“You had about a million chances, dude. Glaring daggers at my boy now won’t get you what you want.” Mike sidled up to Jared and nodded his head toward the two men.

He apparently didn’t have the presence of mind to question or deny the implication, and Jared’s eyes didn’t leave the duo as he addressed Mike, “Doesn’t this…I mean…don’t you care?”

Mike huffed. “We aren’t necessarily exclusive. Hell, he was married to Jamie in the beginning. I am free to do my thing, too.” He gave Jared a sidelong glance. “Speaking of which, no need to feel lonely, Jare. You wanna try some dick, I got one. A nice one, man. I’d be willing to take one for the team, our team, if you know what I mean. Now that I know you play on it.”

This drew Jared’s gaze finally. Mouth partially open in shock, Jared sputtered. “Wha? No…I mean, no offense, but I don’t…I’m not into…”

When his voice finally trailed off after not completing a sentence, Mike cocked an eyebrow at him and pointedly shifted his glance to Jensen and Tom. “No? Cuz from where I’m standing, you look like you want at least one. Then again, looks like that one has other plans for tonight, so you might as well…”

Jared looked back to the pair again, he hadn’t even realized Mike knew. Actually, how did Mike know? What did Mike know? Jared felt like he was drowning. How could Mike know something Jared hadn’t told anyone, hell, hardly admitted to himself most of the time, at least until lately. “It’s not like that. We’re just friends, I just worry about him, that’s all.” He dismissed, trying his damnedest to sound convincing and indifferent.

Mike wanted to slap Jared on the back of the head, wanted to throw back his head and laugh. Jared must think he was the idiot he pretended to be half the time if he thought he couldn’t see. Unless Jared was in that much of denial. “Oh. Well, that’s good, since he is apparently going home with my boy. Tom will definitely show him a good time. Tom is really incredible in bed, sweet and gentle one minute and commanding and forceful the next. And has a monster cock.”

For a moment Mike felt guilty and then a little scared as he watched the emotions drag across Jared’s face. He looked scared and sad, vulnerable and needy, and then the anger and wrath he saw there made him a little afraid for Tom’s well-being. If he and Tom hadn’t actually been exclusive, he was sure some of those emotions would be playing out in his own head. But he knew the plan, the ‘make Jared see what he is missing, maybe push him to finally quit being such a pussy’ plan. As it was, he felt a flicker of his own jealousy. Tom was an even better actor than he realized if he was really just pretending to seduce Jensen.

Jensen was more than a little drunk. It wasn’t like him to drink so much, especially two nights in a row, but he was feeling unsure about everything, and had been scared to think about how Jared was going to react to what had happened the night before. He had avoided seeing his best friend all day by being up and out by the time Jared returned from his morning run, and hadn’t seen him until they arrived at the party. Jared looked like a million dollars and had spent the first half an hour flirting with everyone in sight, as was his usual. Jensen had watched from across the room with a sinking heart. Then Tom had cornered him here and they had been talking since.

He felt Tom’s breath on his neck as he leaned in to talk to him again. Either he was drunker than he realized, or Tom was being really…flirty? He was making Jensen laugh a little, which was appreciated considering how his nerves and fear were getting the best of him. He needed a distraction. Tom was certainly close enough and being charming enough to create one for him. Jensen peered up at him questioningly, only to find Tom’s piercing blue eyes laser focused on him. Tom was gorgeous, there was no denying that. The fact that even drunk and vulnerable he wasn’t feeling anything sexual when finding himself the target of all that charm and gorgeousness, just reiterated to Jensen how far gone he was for Jared. If anyone could take Jensen’s focus off Jared, surely someone like Tom would be it.

Jensen remembered the first time he met Tom on the Smallville set. He had thought immediately that Tom was hot as hell. Nothing had ever come of it. At that time Jensen had fully buried all his homosexual tendencies as he tried to make it in L.A. But he wasn’t blind, and if circumstances had been different he would have definitely pursued something with someone so hot and with a great personality. But no one had really tempted Jensen in years. No one had been even close to worth possibly ruining his career for. Until Jared. Within a few weeks of knowing Jared, Jensen had known how deep he was getting, and had also known that this was the one man he would give it all up for if necessary. Jared made everything else just pale in comparison. No role would be great enough to exchange for Jared’s love, were he given that possibility.

Tom leaned in again, and this time Jensen could swear he felt lips brush his ear. “You are far away, Jensen. I feel like you are ignoring me, even though I’m right here.”

Shaking his head quickly to dispel the myriad thoughts jumbling through his brain, Jensen smiled at Tom. “Naw. Sorry, just kinda drifted off there a minute. What were you saying?”

“Nothing important. You wanna get another drink? Looks like yours is long gone.”

Looking down as if he wasn’t sure how that had happened, Jensen laughed. “Yeah, sure.” He was too drunk to be thinking about such deep shit anyway. He needed to chill out. This was a party, after all, and the person he was obsessing over had been treating it as such, enjoying the attention of people who always seemed to flock to him. Why should Jensen spend his night worrying about Jared when he obviously wasn’t going to get the same in return?

His brow crinkled as they moved, sure he could suddenly feel Tom’s hand low on his back, skimming his ass even as they navigated the room.

~~~

Jared felt the burn of anger in his gut as he watched Tom lead Jensen, hand possessive on his lower back. And if he wasn’t too drunk to be certain, he thought he saw Tom’s pinky finger slip under the waistband of Jensen’s low riding jeans. He wanted to follow them, not let this crazy disaster out of his sight, but Mike was still there, eyeing him suspiciously. Plus, what was he going to do, drag them apart? Act like some sort of caveman with a right to Jensen? He willed himself to turn his attention away from the two heads disappearing into the crowd.

“So, you sure you don’t wanna blow job or something?” Mike hip checked Jared once he had his attention again.

“Shut up, Rosenbaum. You’re a freak.” Jared forced a smile. “I would feel guilty toward Tom even if I was tempted. I don’t get you two. I thought you guys were all in love and shit. I couldn’t do that ‘open relationship’ thing. I’m too possessive.”

Mike smiled back, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t say.”

Jared refused to be drawn into a conversation about it again. He turned his attention to the crowd, willing himself not to search out Jensen. Within a few minutes a couple of friends had approached and Mike slipped away unnoticed.

Unable to stand it any longer, Jared excused himself after a half an hour of not seeing Jensen no matter how he watched the milling people around him and under guise of getting another drink, headed in the direction he last saw Jensen and Tom. Cursing fifteen minutes later when he had to accept that they had both left the party, Jared threw open the nearest exit and flipped open his phone to call a cab.

Jared realized when he got home and it was obvious Jensen wasn’t there that he hadn’t drank enough to deal with all this shit. He went to the cabinet and pulled out an unopened bottle of Cuervo and grabbed a glass.

Two hours and and half a bottle later, Jared flipped open his phone.

wher the fuck r u jen?

When there was no answer after what he thought was too long:

u just ignore me allday & dont even say hi at the party. now…?

~~~

Jensen woke with a pounding head and it tasted like he had cleaned the men’s room floor with his tongue. Squinting from the pain of light as well as sticky, gritty contacts, he slowly swung his legs to the floor and hoped he would make it to the bathroom without getting sick all over Tom’s carpet. He vaguely thought he remembered hearing him say something about having replaced it a few months ago. He probably wouldn’t appreciate Jensen spewing last night’s revelry all over it.

He found a towel and a set of sweats and t-shirt on the bathroom vanity and silently thanked Tom for being such a great friend and apparent Boy Scout. Quickly shedding his clothes and pulling out painful contacts, Jensen ducked into the shower and set it to almost cold to hopefully clear his head and diminish the nausea still lingering in his throat.

Half an hour later, Jensen felt a bit more human. The clock by the guest bed said it was only 8:23a.m. and it didn’t sound like anyone else was up and moving around in the house. He wasn’t sure who was even in the house. He looked around and didn’t see his phone, so he ventured out into the living room and eventually found it on the counter in the kitchen. He unlocked it to find ten missed messages and three missed calls. A quick scan showed they had all been from Jared.

His first reaction was concern, but he saw immediately that they were all just drunken texts from the night before, stretching into early hours of the morning, asking where he was and getting less and less coherent. The last had been a call at a little after four. He consoled himself with the notion that if Jared had been calling and texting him all night he must not have gone home with anyone he had been flirting with at the party. Not that he couldn’t have hooked up earlier, who knew. Jensen had been drunk and gone so early that he had no idea what had gone on.

Pulling a piece of paper off the pad on the fridge, Jensen wrote a short thank you to Tom and called a taxi.

~~~

Jared was on the couch when Jensen came through the front door. He was asleep and looked something less than comfortable. Although his couch was huge, it was still not pada-sized, at least not for sleeping. Jensen wondered if he had slept there all night. Well, now that he considered how recently the last phone call and text message had been sent to his phone, Jared probably hadn’t been asleep all that long anyway.

As Jensen stood there, removing his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack by the front door, Jared stirred and rubbed a hand across his face, groaning as he sat up. He squinted in the bright morning light streaming through the large windows despite the blinds and turned to Jensen with a scowl. “J’nsen? What the fuck?” Suddenly he was fully awake and coming off the couch.

Jensen gave him a wide berth as he headed toward the stairs. “Hey Jay. Gonna get a shower and sleep a little more. Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

Jared followed Jensen as he made his way down to his bedroom, stomach clenching at Jensen’s admission of getting little sleep the night before, not to mention the sight of too large clothing that he could only assume was Tom’s on Jensen. He physically hurt imagining Jensen in Tom’s bed, as he had been picturing all night, no matter how much he drank to wipe the thoughts away. It was burning in his gut like acid, those images and thoughts. He knew he had no right to Jensen, to expect answers or some twisted expectation of loyalty from someone he wasn’t committed to, but he felt so damned possessive. Like he wanted to reach out and grasp, drag Jensen in, demand that he want Jared in return, want only Jared, see only Jared, and definitely fuck only Jared. The whole thing was a snarled mass of confusion inside his head and his heart, but it was also overwhelming and huge, and felt like it was trying to claw its way out. He couldn’t just let it rest.

“I’ll bet you didn’t. Saw you and Tom. Had his hands all over you.” Jared spat the words. “You didn’t even have five minutes to speak to me at the party. Too wrapped up in your boy. So? Was he good?”

Jared could hear how his words sounded, but was unable to get himself under control.

Jensen’s head snapped back as if he had been hit in the face. “Wha? What the fuck, Jared.” He wasn’t even sure where to start processing whatever accusations were being hurled at him. He was hung over and feeling less than human at the moment, and this was…hell he wasn’t sure what this was.

Jared stalked toward Jensen, who backed up without realizing it, until his back hit the wall and Jared crowded into him. “Why couldn’t you answer my fucking texts, Jensen? You not have one second without your dick in Tom’s mouth, or his ass? Or was it his dick in your ass? Does it matter or will you do it just as long as it’s someone, doesn’t matter who or how?”

Jensen snarled then. “You better back the fuck away from me right now, Jared. I don’t know what is wrong with you or who you think you are, but if you don’t get out of my face in about two seconds, I’mma lay you out. What I do or don’t do or who I do or don’t do is none of your business. I am going to hope that the ugly shit you are saying to me is the alcohol or the hangover talking and we will forget it was said. But until then, you need to back the fuck off. Now.”

Seeming to realize just how far things really had progressed, Jared took a step back and simply stared at Jensen for a long moment, both of their chests heaving with emotion. Then, knowing no good could come of anything else being said at the moment, he turned and walked toward the stairs, not looking back to see Jensen staring at his retreating figure.

Standing under the hot water in the steamy shower, Jensen leaned his forehead against the still cool tiles of the wall. He wasn’t sure what had just happened. He felt bad that Jared had tried so many times to get in touch with him the night before; he had probably been worried. But how he came to the conclusion that Jensen had slept with Tom or that he was some kind of manwhore who slept with everything that moved was beyond his comprehension. Jared knew better than that. He had known Jensen for years now. They were together almost 24/7. If Jensen had been sleeping around or even any semblance of it, Jared would have known. Therefore, by the same token, he knew very well that Jensen hadn’t been, never had been that person, despite rumors or assumptions by the public or the press.

And Tom? Yes, Jensen had been talking with Tom at the party, but how would that translate in Jared’s mind to them having sex? They had left together, but that really meant nothing, both he and Jared left with friends lots of times when they had drank beyond what was wise with press around. Besides, if Jensen had slept with Tom, why would Jared be so worked up about it. Did he think Jensen was going to be stupid and get caught, out himself to the press and mess up the show?

Groaning, Jensen returned to the business of showering, clearing his head and trying to resume some feeling of normalcy. It was too early and he was too hung over to be thinking this hard. He would climb back into bed and hopefully when he woke up in a couple of hours, he would feel a lot better and the nightmare of the last half hour would have disappeared.

Jared paced his bedroom. Again. He wasn’t sure how long he had been wearing a strip into his carpet, but the shower on the first floor had long since stopped and all sounds in the house with it. Jensen was probably tucked up into his bed, sleeping off his hard night of fucking or getting fucked. He certainly hadn’t denied any of it when Jared had confronted him with it. He felt like his skin was too tight, like he was going to burst out of it and lose control any minute. He knew that he was on the verge of going back down and demanding answers from Jensen, bad idea or not. The image of throwing back the blankets and seeing if any of Jensen’s freckled skin bore the bruises or marks of a night of passionate sex kept flitting through his mind. He saw himself covering those marks with ones of his own, branding Jensen as his, owning him, proving once and for all just who Jensen belonged to.

He had considered calling Tom, seeing if he could get answers out of him. But that was just one huge ugly argument waiting to happen. Despite being friends with Tom, they weren’t close enough that Jared was sure he would restrain himself even as well as he was doing with Jensen. He would most likely say things that would cause a rift never to be fixed between the friends. With Jensen his love for their friendship as well as the feelings he was quickly uncovering would keep him within the bounds of acceptability. Probably. With Tom, there would likely be no holding back.

Jared perched on the edge of the bed, hand hovering over Jensen’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure how hesitant he should be after the making out of the other night, but when he considered how the last day had gone, he was confused. He was angry that Jensen had chosen to ignore what had happened. He had wanted to talk about it, had wanted it to mean something. He couldn’t believe that it really meant nothing to Jensen. Just a game, J. Right? Like acting. Doesn’t have to mean anything. But then it had felt like more than a game. Given Jared had wanted it for so long, so maybe it had been all in his head that it seemed like it was so intense, so good, was leading to so much more. Maybe Jensen hadn’t talked to him about it because it was basically forgotten the minute it was over. Maybe it was just acting or just a game. Whatever the answer, he needed to settle it for his own peace of mind. He wanted Jensen. Wanted him for his own. The kissing and the jealousy over Tom only solidified that resolution even more.

“Jen?” Jared called to him and shook his shoulder softly, “Jensen? Can we talk, please?”

Jensen squinted up at Jared and rolled to sit up. He eyed Jared warily. He was still angry and unsure about what had happened. He was also not certain he was prepared for all that might be asked in a conversation with Jared right now.

“Look, Jen. First off, I’m sorry I got out of control earlier. I was wrong. I have just been so…confused and frustrated, I just…” Jared ran a hand through his hair, looking away before he let his frustration get the best of him again. He though he had his thoughts together better than this before coming down here.

Jensen sighed. “It’s ok, Jare. It was totally not you. I get that. Not like you are ever a violent guy, I wasn’t worried you were gonna lose control, not really. We good now?” Jensen knew it couldn’t be so easy, but it was worth a shot.

“Thanks, Jen. You know I could never…would never…hurt you or anything. I was just..anyway. Never happen again.”

Jensen patted Jared’s leg and moved to get up from the bed. “Great. Let’s get something to eat. You wanna?”

“Hey. No.” Jared grasped Jensen’s wrist. “We still need to talk, Jen. Please.”

Jensen settled back against the headboard, leg curled in front of him, inches from Jared’s own thigh. He drew a deep breath and nodded, tried to steel himself for disappointment. Jared needed to clear the air, to make sure Jensen understood that while they are best friends, nothing more would ever happen. Somehow having come up with a plan, Jensen was afraid to finally admit defeat. He had gotten his hopes up, had been more confident that they would possibly move forward, that he could get something he wanted so badly for so long. He wasn’t sure he was really prepared to have all those hopes dashed.

“I know it’s not really my business, but Tom and Mike are our friends, Jen.” Jared took the coward’s way out and started with something he could address without admitting any feelings or being too vulnerable.

Jensen breathed a bit easier, at least for the moment. “Yeah. I know, Jared.” His forehead scrunched as he replied. “There is nothing between Tom and I.”

Jensen looked guilty to Jared. “Nothing but sex?” He practically spat the accusation.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, J. Nothing but nothing. We did not have sex. What the fuck?”

Jared still looked skeptical. “He implied the other night at their house that you guys had something back on Smallville. Then he had his hands all over you last night. And you both disappeared less than an hour into the party, and you didn’t come home, nor answer my texts or calls. That doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“I don’t know what that was about when he looked like maybe we did hook up, we never did anything, not even close, not even back then.” Jensen looked thoughtful, lost inside his head momentarily.

Jared was surprised to recognize the level of relief he felt knowing that Tom hadn’t had any part of Jensen, hadn’t touched or tasted what he was considering his own now.

Jensen huffed in anger, even as the memory of Tom’s hand low on his back came to mind. What had that been all about? Jensen opened his mouth to explain yet again, then exasperation got the best of him instead. “You know what. I don’t have to answer to you anyway. Believe whatever you want, J.”

When he moved to get up again, Jared stilled him. “Sorry, Jen. It was just, it looked like he was trying really hard to hook up with you and you seemed pretty receptive. Then when you let him touch you like that and left with him, I just assumed.”

“Yeah, well. Don’t assume, J. Especially after I just told you nothing happened. That’s calling me a liar. Surely you know me better than that by now.” Jensen shook his head as another thought occurred to him. “And calling me a horrible friend. I would never do that to Mike. Is that really what you think of me?”

“No! No, I don’t think that.” Jared hurried to reassure. “But, I figured you knew. Mike told me last night he and Tom are free to ‘do their own thing’. He said something like ‘we’re not necessarily exclusive’. Hell he offered to suck my dick.”

Jensen’s head snapped up to meet Jared’s eyes at that, a twinge rolling through his stomach. “What?”

Jared laughed, but it was not his usual warm sound. “Not like I took him up on it. I mean, what the hell is going on? I guess you didn’t know they aren’t exclusive either, huh?”

“No. Had no idea.” Jensen wondered at that, but decided he had more important things to deal with for the moment.

“Anyway. I’m not gonna lie. I hated the idea of you sleeping with Tom. I..it really bothered me. Dammit, Jen, didn’t the other night matter at all? Did you not feel anything?”

Jensen could practically feel his stomach climb up into his chest, and for a moment he considered pretending not to know what Jared was talking about, or laughing it off. “No. I mean, yeah.” Jensen wanted to smack himself in the head. “It was really hot?” Was that a question? Hell, he said it and wasn’t even sure.

Of course it had been hot, but Jared had been hoping for a more emotion-based response. But, he would take it. It was better than a rejection. It was a step in the right direction anyway. “Yeah. It was. It was really hot. I think we need to do it again. Maybe?”

Jensen nodded, “Yes. I think we should. We…definitely.” His voice was quiet and he didn’t meet Jared’s eyes, wasn’t sure he wanted to know how much or how little he would find there. If Jared wanted to make out, kiss him, whatever, he was going to go for it. Tomorrow he would deal with the feelings and possible disappointment. Tonight he was going to do his damnedest to make Jared forget what kissing anyone but him was like.

Jensen scooted forward, putting his legs on either side of Jared’s and leaning toward him. His eyes flickered to Jared’s mouth and Jared licked his lips in an unconscious movement, but it brought more heat to an already overheating Jensen. He pushed a hand up into Jared’s hair and sighed out a breath as he brought their lips together. “J.”

Jared surged forward, catching Jensen around the waist and pulling them both down to the bed, arranging their bodies to lay close and wrapping his arms around Jensen as they settled. His lips sought Jensen’s mouth again in an almost desperate movement. He had thought there was no way it could feel as good as he was remembering from the other night, but it did. It was all encompassing. He swiped his tongue along Jensen’s lower lip and then nipped at it with his teeth.

Moaning softly, Jensen let his mouth fall open on the insistence of Jared’s own, and Jared drew that full bottom lip into his mouth and sucked, unable to resist. It had been something he had imagined so many times, and he was going to take everything he could get.

Jensen tugged sharply at Jared’s hair, switching their positions and pulling Jared’s own bottom lip in, tongue teasing along the inside and teeth scraping. Then their tongues were dueling, seeking out warmth and taste, learning and remembering all they had barely experienced the other night but had both longed for in secret for too long.

“God, Jen. Want you. Want…need to touch you.” Jared rasped out as his mouth slid along Jensen’s lightly stubbled jawline. He licked behind Jensen’s ear and then drew his earlobe between his teeth, gnawing and nibbling.

“Do it, J. I’m here. Touch me all you want. Want you to.” Jensen pressed forward, aligning their bodies even closer as Jared explored his neck with lips and tongue. He was so hard he ached, and he could feel Jared’s engorged length as he pushed his hips into the cradle of Jared’s.

Jared ran his hands down Jensen’s back, cupping his ass, fingers digging into taut muscle, as they moved toward each other. He moaned out a low sound as their cocks aligned and slid together at the movement. Leaning his upper body away, Jared looked down at Jensen, eyes dark with need. “Off. Take your shirt off, want to see you.”

Opening his eyes, Jensen sucked in a quick breath at the sound of Jared’s harsh voice and the want in his eyes. He pulled his shirt off, immediately returning to watching Jared’s face and laying down close. “Yours now too.”

They had seen each other shirtless before, both on set and around the house, usually just a few moments, and never in a situation where they were just allowed to really look. Jensen knew what to expect, but when Jared drew back and removed his shirt specifically for Jensen, his cock gave a twitch, hardening more; something Jensen would have said was impossible. Jared was miles of beautiful golden skin and taut muscle, and he was giving it all to Jensen. At least for now, in this moment.

In the few seconds of not touching, Jensen thought of the list. Thought of all the things he knew Jared wanted and knew this was the time. Time to give him those things. Fulfill maybe so many fantasies that Jared would think Jensen was all he could need or desire.

Jared noticed a second where Jensen seemed to drift away and he felt the need to physically pull him back in, to reconnect and recapture that moment. Jensen’s eyes met his then and he drew in a breath at the look he saw there. Jensen looked like he was going to devour him. It was hot and erotic and made him want even more, but he also felt like he had lost something. He shook off the feeling and focused. Jensen captured his lips again, licking into his mouth greedily, sucking at his tongue and kissing him with an almost desperate need.

Jensen cupped the back of Jared’s head in both hands, looking into Jared’s eyes as he sifted through his hair. Then he leaned forward and mouthed along his jawline, licking a path down his neck and sucking at his pulse point. Jared keened quietly and dropped his head back to give Jensen room to devour his neck and shoulder. He was breathing like he had just run miles and felt slightly lightheaded.

When Jensen’s lips brushed over Jared’s nipple, his head shot up to look down at Jensen, to watch. Jensen flicked his eyes up to meet Jared’s for a second, promise and lust shining in them, before his tongue came out to flick quickly over the swiftly hardening nub, and then his lips covered it, giving a swift hard suck. Jared’s hips stuttered forward, seeking friction through his jeans against Jensen’s. He continued to thrust subconsciously as Jensen scraped the bud with his teeth before sucking again, drawing hard and deep. Jared’s moans and hitching breaths told him how much he was enjoying this thing he had wondered about. The knowledge that he was giving this to Jared, doing this, making him crazy and fulfilling a fantasy rushed through Jensen like wildfire.

“Yeah, J. You like that? Like me licking you? Sucking you? Huh? Want more?” Jensen steeled himself to say these things, things he wanted, but would have a hard time normally saying to anyone. But it was something that turned Jared on, and Jensen was determined to be whatever Jared wanted. Make him so addicted to Jensen he never wanted to let go.

Jared keened, back arching as Jensen licked a trail down his ribs to his belly button, keeping up the steady stream of words that were piercing through him. He was so hard he was starting to hurt. Needed Jensen to touch him, suck him, fuck him. Anything. Jensen licked along his lower abs, tracing his happy trail, lips open and dragging at the skin and light line of hair there. He sucked hard at a spot just barely above Jared’s straining erection, held tight by his jeans. “Fuck. Do you know what all I want to do to you, J? Huh? Want to lick every bit of this gorgeous skin, suck bruises all over you, mark you as mine. Want you writhing beneath me, begging and desperate for anything I am willing to give you. Begging me to fuck you, suck you off. Or do you want to fuck me? Huh? You want to put that huge cock inside me? Fill me so full, make me ache for days from you pounding me so hard I can barely sit or stand afterward?”

Jensen released the reddened skin, almost purple from the intense sucking he had done. He nipped at the spot and Jared hissed from pain and pleasure so mixed it was impossible to separate them. Running a palm up the hardened flesh, pressing as he went and then flicking open the button and pulling down the zipper when he reached the top. Grasping both sides of the jeans and pants, Jensen pulled them down under Jared’s thighs and stopped to admire the cock before him. It was impressive, somewhat longer than his own though maybe not as thick. It was so tempting. So many things he had denied himself his whole life were suddenly within his grasp, literally, and Jensen was going to enjoy every minute.

Unable to contain himself a minute longer, Jared surged up and caught Jensen under the arms, pulling him up to eye level. He wanted to see Jensen, touch him, give back some of the amazing sensations he was experiencing. He dove in and kissed the swollen lips so close to his own while his hands fumbled in an effort to open and remove Jensen’s jeans as well. Once that barrier was removed, Jared pulled Jensen on top of him, aligning their cocks once again.

Barely able to think about anything but fuckyesJaredJaredJared Jensen ground down against the hot hard body suddenly beneath his own. “God yeah, Jare. Feel so fucking good. Your cock against mine, gonna touch me? Are you? Are you gonna line up our cocks and jerk us both off together, feel the slick slide of my precum that is already dripping down my dick? Feel how much I want you? Come on, Jared. Make me come, come for me. Come on me.”

By then Jared did have his hand wrapped around them both and was tugging them, hand tight and yes, slicked by both of their precum. Both of them were hot and leaking, desperate now for release. Jensen thrust his hips, fingers digging into Jared’s hips as he looked down to watch.

“Beautiful, Jense. Amazing. Come for me, I’m so close…come.”

Within a few more strokes, Jensen did just that, spurts of thick white heat shooting and smearing where they were brushing against each other, coating Jared’s hand and further slicking the way. Jared gave a shout of Jensen’s name as he too toppled over the edge, adding his own come to the mix.

Breath coming hard, Jensen dropped his forehead to rest against Jared’s, and slid off to Jared’s side.

Suddenly feeling out of sorts, knowing that what had just happened, while seriously hot and a long time coming, at least for him, was somehow dishonest. And not exactly him. Not that he would have never talked dirty to Jared given time, but he had done it just because he knew about the list. He couldn’t meet Jared’s eyes as guilt settled in, as well as a bit of embarrassment.

Jared noticed immediately that while he didn’t know how Jensen normally acted after sex, something wasn’t quite right. He wasn’t meeting Jared’s eyes and he seemed tense instead of comfortable or happy about what they had just done. Damn, was he already regretting it?

Jensen rolled off the bed, and went into the bathroom with a quiet murmur about getting a washcloth. He braced his hands on the sink and dropped his head between his shoulders. Now what? He was going to have to come clean soon about the list. It no longer felt like a fun game or just some way to get under Jared’s skin. After what had just happened, he felt ashamed, like maybe he had tricked Jared into sex with him. Fuck.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen grabbed a washcloth and ran it under hot water, wiping down his belly and cock and before throwing it into the corner and wetting one to take back to Jared. Not tonight. He couldn’t do it right now, in the aftermath. He needed Jared to have time to gather his own thoughts before he dumped this on him.

Jared accepted the cloth and wiped himself off without a word. Jensen still hadn’t looked directly at him and he was freaking out, sure that Jensen was regretting the whole thing and where the hell would they go from here? Dropping the cloth, Jared grabbed his shorts from the floor and slid them on as he stood. “I…I guess I better…I need to get some things done, I mean.”

Stomach dropping to somewhere around his knees, Jensen shook his head just slightly, feeling dazed and more than a little sad and hurt. Jared obviously wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible. He was regretting that this had happened at all, obviously.

Jared took the dogs to the park, ran and let them play. Tossed the ball for them and generally just avoided the house most of the day. He had been so excited when he realized he and Jensen were going to finally…make love? Fuck? That maybe they were going to take their relationship to the next level. He had felt like they were on the right track, and it had been so hot, hotter than most full on sex he had had in his life, but while Jensen had seemed in the moment and present, until at some point it seemed something had changed. It was like a switch was flipped and Jensen was still there, but not in the same way, almost like he had started acting, thinking too much at the very least.

Trying not to feel like he had gained and lost what he wanted in the space of a couple of hours, Jensen did some laundry, unpacked his bag from the weekend and went over his script for the week. Or tried. He was unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. His mind was consumed with Jared. Remembering how good it had been, how close it had felt to what he wanted so desperately, but then afterward. Had Jared been sorry? Or had he just felt unsure, unable to talk to Jensen, who was unable to even look him in the eye. They needed to talk, so Jensen needed to figure out how he was going to come clean about what he had seen, and what he had done. He just hoped Jared would be able to understand, that he would be able to forgive Jensen and they might still have a chance.