Just Don't Give Up on Me 4/?

[rain_n_snow]

The next three weeks of hiatus passed without any contact between Jared and Jensen and it was the longest they had gone without talking since the show had been picked up four years ago. Jensen felt the loss like a missing limb, but was unable to come up with answers to how they were going to fix things. Could they just ignore what had happened? He wanted more, so much more from Jared. But he also didn’t know if he could get in deeper just knowing that Jared would eventually walk away, maybe taking his friendship as well as everything else. He couldn’t let that happen. Losing Jared’s friendship would be a loss he wasn’t sure he would recover from.

Worry that things had gone too far already prodded him to at least extend the olive branch, the fear creeping in on him finally forcing his hand. He sent Jared a text that he hoped was apologetic enough without sounding heavy.

im sorry. im not sure i even know what we’re fighting about. i will be home Monday night. you?

Jared felt a rush of relief as he read the message and immediately answered. Im sorry 2. Home Sunday.

miss you, you big freak.

U too, shorty. C u Monday. Pick u up?

8:45 im not short, gigantor. see you then.

Jared smiled and breathed easier. He had started to really fear that things had gone to a point that he and Jensen were going to have trouble recovering from.

Realizing that his coming to conclusions about what he wanted didn’t mean that Jensen would necessarily be on board was a scary thought. Jared had spent a good portion of the last few weeks making peace with his feelings and trying to figure out how to talk to Jensen about everything. Could he even really tell Jensen? Jensen had Danneel and Jared wasn’t sure that admitting his newly discovered big gay love for his best friend would end in anything but heartbreak for him.

He knew the desire was there for Jensen, hell, their encounter in the trailer had been incendiary. If they ever did get together he worried for their sanity with that much lust driving them. But how much did he want to find out how good it would be? Was it worth possibly losing even Jensen’s friendship? Hell, he had thought about it enough to drive himself crazy and had no answers to account for the wasted time.

What if Jensen came back with a smile on his face and a newly discovered happiness with his girlfriend and another ‘it was a mistake’ comment for Jared? What if he felt nothing but friendship and maybe a little lust on the side? Jared finally shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and drew a deep breath. He wouldn’t continue to pile up the ‘what ifs’. He would see his best friend Monday night and they would deal. Most importantly, he knew no matter what he did he couldn’t lose Jensen completely. He was and would always be his best friend. Anything more would just be bonus.

For now, he was just ready to get his best friend back, and feel like they were going to be ok, no matter what happened.

When Jensen came off the plane in Vancouver, a little more tan and looking a lot more rested than Jared had seen him in a long time, Jared pulled him into a hug and thumped him on the back. He had thought they needed to talk, but now…now he just wanted them to feel right again. He was scared. Scared that if he told Jensen how he felt, things might be worse than ever. For now, unless Jensen brought it up, he was going to just let it lay. For now.

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he embraced his best friend, breathing him in and trying to keep his thoughts at bay. He felt so much better, hell, had felt a million times better the instant he had seen Jared standing there, looking hopeful and happy to see him, ready to pull him into an enveloping Padahug. It felt like home. Jared felt like home. If this was all he ever had, it would be enough, he told himself, he would make it be enough. This was more than most people ever found. He would hope for more, but not let it break him if Jared never felt like he did.

While in Texas, Danneel had sensed something off, had even asked several times, getting more and more frustrated and eventually angry when he refused to even admit there was anything wrong, let alone talk about it with her. He hadn’t been able to touch her all week. Well, he had touched her, it wasn’t like she was a leper, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to make love to her, and she had become more and more suspicious and anxious.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to. He tried, because if he could just fuck Danneel, he could forget this whole stupid mess with Jared. He kept trying to convince himself of that, but even he wasn’t really that much in denial. But it hadn’t kept him from trying. It just wouldn’t happen. Whenever he would get close, assure himself he could do it, he would inwardly cringe and pull deeper into his own mind. No part of him would get on board. Eventually he gave up, knowing deep down that this was the beginning of the end for them, and unable to admit that either. Coward. Hurting everyone who loved and cared for him and unable to even take the blame or admit the truth. Sometimes he hated himself.

Jared was practically bouncing with his usual happy exuberance. He asked Jensen about his trip and got generic answers about family and friends and Texas. He didn’t mention Danneel at all, and Jared didn’t ask even though he had known she was going to be there for almost a week staying with Jensen’s family. Jensen was glad, he was happy just to be back ‘home’ and to see a smile on Jared’s beloved face. They collected his luggage and headed home, discussing Jared’s hiatus and his trip to visit his brother and his family in Maryland. Jared was ecstatic that he had gotten to spend time with his niece and nephew. It had been too long since he had seen any of them and Jared had enjoyed his trip.

They spent the next several days hanging out, playing guitar hero, watching football and generally being comfortable in each other’s company again. Both of them ignoring or trying to push down the thoughts and feelings they had uncovered. Neither was sure how to deal, and both were afraid of the outcome if they attempted it.

If their gazes lingered, neither mentioned it. Jensen perfected the art of sneaking glances at whatever part of Jared he could without getting caught, his thoughts straying to how each of those parts would look, feel and taste if ever he got the chance to really explore. Jared spent too much time thinking about fucking Jensen and still keeping a calm serene face on until he could escape to his room to jerk off.

Jared didn’t mention Genevieve and what had happened between them, and Jensen didn’t say a word about Danneel. Some things were best left alone at times like these. Besides, how to tell these things without opening up the reasons behind them and dealing with the issues between them?

Saturday before the end of hiatus found them in their usual bar, hanging out with several of the guys and a couple of girls from the crew. Jensen gritted his teeth as he watched Jared turn on the Padalecki charm with anyone and everyone, but most especially the pretty costume assistant, Leah.

He was always on edge when he watched Jared flirt. Never sure how far he was going to take it but always certain he didn’t like seeing it. So he drank. Drank more than he should and let it loosen him up and bring out his own inner flirt. It wasn’t nearly as close to the surface as Jared’s. He was more reserved and less inclined to want the attention, but when his back was up like tonight, why the hell not.

He didn’t flirt intentionally with the guy from set more than anyone else just because he knew him flirting with a guy would bother Jared more than him flirting with a girl, right? It was just that it was easy when the guy was obviously into him and had been watching him all night. He was just being an equal opportunity guy. Maybe he needed to see if it was just Jared or if he was attracted to guys in general now. Maybe he was having an early midlife crisis and finding out he was bisexual, or gay, or whatever.

Jared’s eyes narrowed and he watched Austin, the new twinkie guy, eat Jensen up with his eyes. Hell, not that it was new. Everyone watched Jensen, especially when he got loose and just a bit drunk. It was when the standoffish part of his friend melted away and his eyes got just a bit heavy lidded and sex hung around him like a fog. It was something that demanded response from those around him somehow. Austin was certainly sucking it all in. And Jensen? Well, he seemed to be responding with a curious sort of interest that was causing Jared’s liquor and lunch and maybe yesterday’s breakfast to churn in his stomach like it might revisit him.

His eyes met Austin’s and he saw the other man’s gaze widen at whatever he saw there. Big, goofy, fun-loving Jared could put on a stare that would frighten most men when push came to shove. It just rarely did, so most people never knew it. Austin pulled his gaze away from Jared and flicked back to Jensen, uncertain, only to find that the two men were now looking at each other.

Jensen saw the look Jared gave Austin and heat curled in his belly. If that wasn’t jealousy, Jensen had never seen it. But, still those unanswered questions piled up in his brain. Why was he jealous? Just because he was territorial and wanted to fuck Jensen? Or was he just feeling insecure about his status as Jensen’s best friend because of the recent upheaval? Or was there something more…something soul deep that Jensen was just starting to poke at within himself, just brushing the edges of, afraid of just how deep it really went?

Knowing that if he went over there and drug Jensen out of this bar right now he would do things he would regret, Jared broke the stare and looked back down to Leah, smiling that winning Padalecki grin that no one could resist and faking a good time. He would get himself under control and then he would take Jensen’s drunken ass home and put him in bed. Alone. The last thing they needed was to complicate things further when they hadn’t yet dealt with the last disaster.

Jensen saw Jared mentally dismiss him and it brought such a surge of complex emotions that he almost came out of his seat and pounced on Jared. Instead he laughed at whatever inane thing the guy in front of him said, and laid a hand on his where it rested on the bar momentarily. What the hell was his name? Jordan? Hunter? Hell, he was never good with names. Jared knew everyone and kept up with that, and Jensen just listened to Jared for those answers.

But he felt nothing; no spark, no desire, certainly no pounding need to push him against the nearest surface and fuck him, or map out his entire body the way he did every time he even looked at Jared. So, he wasn’t gay. Or, did wanting just one man make him gay? He shook his head, trying to jostle his thoughts into some coherency. He needed to stop drinking or he might do something stupid just to prove something he didn’t even mean.

Could you crush your own teeth from grinding your jaw? Jared was pretty sure he was about to find out the hard way as he watched Jensen laugh and touch Austin. That crinkled gaze wasn’t supposed to linger on anyone but him when he laughed like that. Dammit. Just when he thought he was under control, something pushed him back into fury mode. He almost laughed aloud when cartoon-like images of him lifting Austin’s hot little twink ass off the ground and snapping him in at least two pieces flashed through his brain.

Deep breaths, Padalecki. A few minutes of control and you can take Jensen home. Where he belongs. In your house with you and no one else. Just hang in there so you can make it happen.

Leaning close enough to breathe in his scent and ghost breath across his ear, Jared kept his eyes on Austin, narrowed and warning as he spoke softly just to and for Jensen, “You ready to go, man?”

Jensen shivered at the feel of that breath on his ear and turned toward his co-star, their faces almost close enough to brush lips. “Yeah, sure.” His own voice was low and husky. As long as it meant Jared was leaving whatever-her-name-was, he was definitely on board for heading out.

“Yeah.” He repeated.

With quick good-byes all around, they stepped out into the cool, misty Vancouver night. Together.


chap 5