Just Don't Give Up on Me 5/?

[rain_n_snow]

“Awfully cozy in there with the little costume girl, Jare. Not cool, ya know. Genevieve doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, man.” Jensen stumbled a little, lack of balance and sobriety deflating a bit of credence from his self-righteous attitude of the moment.

“Umm, not that it’s any of your business, Jen, and not that I did anything wrong either way, but Genevieve and I broke it off weeks ago.” He wanted to shake Jensen, ask him how fucking dense he really was that he didn’t know the reason, anyway. Drunk bastard.

Jensen almost felt guilty for the flood of relief he felt at those words. He really had become a bitch when it came to Genevieve, huh? “Oh. I’m sorry. I’m drunk, I guess, and that’s not an excuse. Anyway, I’m real sorry, man. If you need to talk…you know…” He shrugged. “I guess I didn’t mention that Danni and I kinda called it quits, too. While I was there. Just…you know…too much time apart, whatever…it was just not really working anymore.”

Jared snorted. “Yeah, I guess you figure that made it ok to think about taking Austin up on his offer for a quick fuck, huh?”

“Whatever, dude…what’s that? You’re sorry too? Yeah, thanks…” Jensen snarked. “Nice.”

Jared noticed Jensen hadn’t denied that he was thinking about going home with fucking Austin, but he also recognized he was being a shitty friend. As of right now he had the obligation to be a good friend and didn’t have the right to act like a jilted lover. “Sorry. Just a long night, I guess. I’m sorry, too. You know I am. You and Dan were together a long time. I know you loved her. I’m here, for whatever…you know that, right?”

Taken back momentarily as his alcohol befuddled mind tripped over the ‘love’ part in regards to Danneel, Jensen reflected. Had he loved her? In some way, he surely had. But not enough, not like he should have loved someone he had spent four years with. Not like he loved Jared. Fuck. Now was not the time to think about that with his loosened tongue. “Thanks, I’m pretty ok. It was time, I guess.”

The arm Jared threw over his shoulders then felt nice. Warm and encompassing and he just leaned into it and let it help him brush off the rest.

“I love the rain,” Jensen said absently.

Jared glanced at him, his chest tightening slightly at the sight of the sheen of moisture covering that gorgeous face, “Yeah, you told me once.”

Jensen cocked his head, glancing at Jared, a small smile on his face. “I did? Don’t remember that.”

But Jared remembers.

“I love the rain,” Jensen said, as they stepped out into a drizzly, cool Vancouver night, his steps faltering slightly until Jared’s shoulder collided with his own and his world steadied. He may have giggled.

Jared smiled, a half smile, part torment and part pure joy. He loved this exact point of drunk on Jensen…when he’d had just enough to be fun and silly, but hadn’t ventured into brooding Jensen mode. He started to ask who the fuck liked rain, because really? He wasn’t getting the appeal. Then he glanced over at his friend.

Jensen had his head tilted back, a huge joyously happy smile spreading across his face as the rain pelted down on him.

Suddenly Jared thought maybe he liked rain as well.

Jensen stuck out his tongue, like a five year old enjoying the first snow of winter, to catch the fresh droplets on his tongue, arms flinging out to his sides.

Jared decided that maybe yeah, he liked rain, no, maybe he loved rain. Or maybe it was Jensen’s tongue that he loved. Or maybe…

Yeah, Jared remembers.

“I dunno, man. One night, you were totally lit and acting like an idiot. I was making sure you got home safely and not raped by some rabid fangirl, and you were goin on about how you love the rain, blah blah blah…you know how you get when you are drunk.”

Jensen nudged Jared’s shoulder softly, “Idiot? You’re just not a nice person, Jay.” He ducked his head as he glanced away.

Nudging him back, then flinging an arm back around Jensen’s shoulders, Jared laughed a little. “Oh Jen, you know I love you, even when you are a drunk idiot.”

Jensen flinched at the words, once so easily said and easily taken, now shadowed because of things done and said, things that couldn’t be taken back. He wished he knew the answers, the right thing to do. He wanted Jared with an intensity that burned his gut like acid, never looked at Jared that he didn’t feel the pang, but he was terrified, scared like a tormented child. What if? So fucking many what ifs. What if it wasn’t anything but sex to Jared? What if it ruined his career? Jared’s career? What if it didn’t work out and he lost his best friend along with everything else?

Too many questions and no answers. Jensen just didn’t think he could chance it. And hell, it wasn’t like Jared was pushing for it anyway. That one time…damn but he could get hard just thinking about that one time, and so little had actually even happened, nowhere near all the things he had spent so much time imagining, surely. But just the kissing had been almost enough to chance anything. Damn if just the feeling of Jared’s mouth, his tongue, his lips and the taste of him wasn’t enough to risk all of it. Almost.

If he just knew for sure what Jared wanted. But he couldn’t ask. And he wanted to, wanted to spend every day asking the questions that had built up inside him for these past years. Wanted to hear Jared say he felt something, something even minutely close to what Jensen felt.

Wanted to wake up every morning to Jared’s big dimpled smile, his miles of golden skin, his stupidly off-key singing in the shower. Wanted Jared to look at him with love in his eyes and reassure him that no matter what the rest of the world thought or what happened they would get through it together. Why was that so difficult? Well, possibly because he didn’t even know how to ask for that. ‘Hey Jared, I know you are straight, but what about that time, remember when we fucked around in my trailer? Was that totally life altering for you? Did that make you realize that all you really wanted out of life was me? Did that moment out of time make you gay and ready to swear off women for the rest of your life? No? Oh, yeah, me either.’

Jared felt the tension roll through Jensen at his words. Sadly, he was used to meaningless words, like those and any number like them, just rolling off his tongue. He had never really had a good filter on his dialogue; it was like the things in his head just came out, like they had a mind of their own. The only real secret he had ever kept was this, this feeling, this overwhelming love he felt for Jensen. And that was locked up tight, those words were all crammed into their little corner of his mind, his heart, hell he was pretty sure etched on his very soul, but he had locked them up long ago. Now he just allowed himself the small touches, things that could be written off as playing and friend shit, and even those were down to a minimum after the day in the trailer. That day. That beautiful, soul shattering day where, for one minute he saw what he could have, what it could be like to truly have Jensen, belong to him and have him belong in return.

His whole world revolved around his best friend, his Jensen. Those were some of those words, locked in that special place. He had been in love almost since the first day, he had definitely felt something from the first introduction to his beautiful new co-star, and what an epiphany that had been. He had never wanted or considered another man in his life. And yet…the moment Jensen had entered his sphere he had been drawn like a magnet, undeniable as the tide, and it had just grown since then until Jensen was pretty much everything to him. Unfortunately it didn’t seem there would be any way to make it work.


chap 6




~~~~~~~

master post/all chaps here