Just Don't Give Up on Me 15/20

[rain_n_snow]

After losing sight of Jensen on his way out of the bar the night before, Jared had spent hours calling Jensen’s phone and texting him. He wasn’t sure how many ‘Where are you’s and ‘Are you ok’s’ he had sent, but he was pretty sure it was enough to seem like a total out of control needy douche. He hated that. Hated that he needed Jensen enough that it didn’t matter anymore. Didn’t matter that he was giving up power, making himself vulnerable by calling a million times, proving how desperate he was.

Eventually, at about 4:00 a.m. the calls started rolling directly into voicemail, which then announced that it was full, and he knew that Jensen’s phone had been turned off. His stomach had started rolling and aching after about an hour, and by the time he realized the phone was turned off his mind was galloping along after his tumbling stomach. Stupid thoughts were seeping in, thoughts that made him sick, ranging from ‘Had Jensen ended up going home with someone?’ to ‘Did Jensen get sick or hurt?’ By 5:30 he had his grumbling PA calling hospitals and everyone in town for the conference to find out if anyone had heard from Jensen.

Standing in his room, hair practically standing on end from the innumerable times he had raked his fingers through it, Jared heard the door to Jensen’s adjoining room open through the connecting door that stood open, as they generally did when they travelled. He was through the door and facing a weary, bleary eyed Jensen in less than three seconds.

“What the fuck, Jen? Where have you been?”

Jensen didn’t even look directly at Jared, just sighed and shook his head, “Not now, Jare.” He looked pointedly at the door between their rooms and walked to it, indicating Jared should follow and leave him alone.

“Not now?” Jared’s voice was hoarse and held a note of something dark Jensen hadn’t heard from him before. “Not fucking now, Jensen? Yes now.” He was in his lover’s face and shoved him against the wall, crowding in, face flushed. “Where were you all night?”

Surprise registered momentarily in Jensen’s face as he finally met Jared’s eyes and saw the turmoil there. But before he could speak, not sure he was even going to, Jared continued.

“Maybe the question should be who were you with last night? One minute you were up my ass asking me who I was thinking about fucking and the next you disappear, don’t answer my texts or my calls, then you turn off your phone. So, what the fuck? Did you fuck someone last night, is that why you couldn’t be bothered to answer me? Why you turn up here this morning like it’s no big deal with your ‘not now, Jare’ bullshit?” Jared was flush against his lover, pressing him hard into the wall, using his muscle and height to pin Jensen where he wanted him.

“We don’t have time for this bullshit, Jared. We are supposed to be onstage in like twenty minutes, man. We can deal with this later.” Jensen pushed hard, but Jared wasn’t moving.

A new form of panic was quickly spreading through Jared. Jensen was so cold, so aloof. He was never this way with him. Something was seriously wrong. Whether Jensen had slept with someone last night or not, he was definitely not here with Jared now. Not the way he had been, not open and invested. He wanted to continue to press, push Jensen to get the answers he desperately needed, say fuck the convention, this was more important. But he could see that he wasn’t going to get anything out of Jensen right now, could see those walls, the ones he had worked so hard to tear down in the green eyes. His stomach hurt, his head hurt, his heart was aching like he had never experienced and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through this day.

“Fine. We will deal with this later.” He started to step away, but drew back and clenched Jensen’s jaw in his large hand, forcing him to meet searching blue green eyes full of questions. “Wait. Did you fuck someone last night? Go home with someone? Anything?”

Jensen’s eyes flashed, tightening before he snapped out. “No, Jared. I didn’t fuck anyone last night. I think maybe I should be the one asking that question.” He jerked his jaw from the bruising grip. “But I won’t. Doesn’t matter.”

With those words, Jensen finally pushed away and headed for the bathroom. Jared stood for several long minutes, processing what he had just heard. Instead of being relieved at the assurance that Jensen hadn’t spent the night with someone else, his stomach was roiling yet again at the resigned tone and the comment that said that maybe sleeping with someone else wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. It sounded like Jensen didn’t care, had decided that things were over. Jared clenched his eyes closed for a long moment. How was he supposed to walk out on that stage and put on his normal fun loving image for these people when his whole world may have just been yanked out from underneath him? He forced himself to walk into his room and get dressed, despite the overwhelming urge to just sink to the floor and keen.

Walking out on stage after drinking half of what he could find in the mini-bar just to get through the next hour was not Jared’s proudest moment. Hell, he was a professional. Sure he put on the crazy, silly face and played like he didn’t have a care in the world every time they took the stage, played fall guy to Jensen’s straight man, but he never drank before working. But this was just too fucking bad. If he hadn’t done this he wasn’t going to make it. He had to sit there next to Jensen and act, act like his world wasn’t turned on end, maybe ripped apart. They were lucky he didn’t find some serious drugs before he walked out into the spotlight.

Jensen looked about as good as Jared felt. They played their parts though, and gave the fans the show they deserved. And they were almost finished, almost through the whole painful thing when Misha showed up. Fucking Misha. Or not, but that wasn’t how he liked to play the game. Misha loved the ‘maybe they are doing it’ rumors, he loved playing to the fangirls fantasies and creating drama. So, when he decided it would be funny to bend Jared over like he was gonna fuck him when signing Jared’s shirt, it shouldn’t have been a surprise.

And on any other day, it wouldn’t have gone over well with Jensen. He was pretty jealous and possessive in general when it came to Jared. But today? Today was so the wrong day for it. And Jensen almost gave them away with his reaction. He flung himself out of his chair and stalked away immediately, came close to leaving the stage completely. Then the consummate actor Jensen showed up, and he grinned and sat down. He breathed deeply, trying to get his emotions under control. But fuck, he was so out of it to start with. He was hurting so deep he felt like Dean with his hellhounds. It felt like his heart was being torn from his chest to start with. Now fucking Misha with his stupid games. And Jared? Well, he didn’t seem to think this was anything unusual. Maybe this wasn’t something new. God, would this hour ever be over.

He turned to watch as Jared and Misha played to the crowd, who were, of course eating it up. Hopefully no one was watching him too closely or thought anything of his own reaction. Besides, at this point, what right did he have to be upset? Hadn’t he made his decision? Staved off the inevitable rejection by Jared by ending it himself, at least in his own mind?

Lost momentarily inside his own head, he was almost surprised when Jared appeared, close to him, leaning in to say something. “Back off, Jared. Go back over and play your games with Misha.” Jensen snarled before stepping away, farther across the stage from the scene playing out for the entertainment of the fans. He pasted on a half smile, acting as if he were playing along, just being silly for the crowd, but this was the last fucking thing he needed right now. Seeing Jared and Misha together hurt, and when piled on top of all of the other razor’s edge bullshit he was skating, he didn’t know how much more he could take.

They made it through the rest of the panel, but anyone who knew either of them could certainly see that all was not well. They tried, because some fans were scary with their ability to see inside their relationship, hell inside their heads and guess what was going on between them, not that any of the speculating could ever be proven. But it was always easier to just play their roles and avoid the guessing and assuming.


chap 16




master post/all chaps here