Just Don't Give Up on Me 18/20

[rain_n_snow]

Jensen slid into the warm bed silently, slowly, careful to avoid waking Jared. He scooted close, feeling the heat of Jared’s always hot body radiating toward him, beckoning him in. He curled his body around Jared’s, still just barely touching, draped his arm over Jared’s narrow waist, hand resting on his flat lower abdomen. He felt like he could breathe for the first time in a month. He felt like he was home and was terrified this was the last time he would have this.

Jared stirred within a few moments of Jensen drawing him close, struggling to push the fog from his mind and separate dream from reality. He jerked slightly when he came fully awake with the knowledge that Jensen was truly in his bed, pressed all along his back, hand resting just above his already hardening cock. Without turning to see his face, Jared had no doubt it was Jensen. No one had ever fit him the way Jensen did, and he could smell the familiar scent of his love wrapping around him the same way his body was being surrounded. Despite the million questions, hell, the accusations and anger he wanted to spew out, Jared forced his body to relax. After a month without this, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the moment. He closed his eyes and drank in the nearness he had craved and missed so intensely, and fell back to sleep in moments.

~~~~~~~

Hitting the floor brought Jensen to full wakefulness with a painful jolt. “What the fuck?!” He opened his eyes to see Jared looming over him from the edge of the bed, fury emanating from his large body. It wasn’t morning yet, or was still really early, because there was no light filtering in from outside. Jared’s furious face was illuminated by just the bedside lamp.

“Pretty sure that’s my line, Jensen.” He growled, fists clenched as he watched Jensen scoot back a bit and attempt to stand, only to be dropped back to the floor when Jared’s large fist connected with his jaw. “What the fuck?!”

Jensen knew he deserved the punch. That and more. He wasn’t sure where to even start to make things right, if that were even possible. “I…I’m sorry, Jared. I know I deserved that.” He moved his jaw left to right, and it fucking hurt, but it was fine. “I love you.” It came out sounding almost like a question. Not because Jensen wasn’t certain that he meant it, but he was definitely unsure as to whether Jared wanted or cared to hear it.

“Yeah, I can tell.” Jared spat back. His heart was thumping in his chest hard enough he could feel it through his whole body and he wasn’t certain he wouldn’t throw up any moment now. “Cuz you made that perfectly obvious. Where the fuck have you been Jensen? And why?”

Jensen sat in the chair next to the bed, hands gripping the arms tightly as he faced this monumental mess of his own making. “I do love you. I know you probably hate me for what I did, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” He sounded like a tool. Why did he keep saying it like that? This was not how he practiced this speech.

Jared just raised an eyebrow and waited. He had been through hell and back because of Jensen and wasn’t giving in without a lot of explaining and probably a good deal of begging.

“I went to Jeff and Licia’s beach house. I just holed up there and spent time thinking. I’m sorry. I just got kinda overwhelmed, I guess. And scared.” He hated how weak he sounded. He was putting all this out there, and Jared might not ever forgive him anyway. “I just…I thought if I left then, if I let you go…that it wouldn’t be so bad. That I could live with it. I thought I wasn’t in too deep to let go.”

This was not feeling better. Jared wanted to hit Jensen again. He wanted to hit someone, because these revelations sucked. “So, you lied. You didn’t ever really love me and you just wanted out?”

“No. No, J. I just didn’t realize how much I loved you, I guess. I thought it was under control enough that I could handle it ending. But I knew I was getting in so deep that you could really hurt me. That if I gave any more that it would tear my heart out when you walked away. Or when you realized it had been fun but wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it. Or when you realized that what you really wanted was some cute, sweet little girlfriend you could show off to the world and not some guy you had to hide and who is grumpy as hell before morning coffee and who hates the Spurs and leaves his dirty socks on the floor.”

Jared’s heart wrenched painfully. There it was again. Jensen didn’t get it. How did someone who looked like Jensen go through life unsure of his worth? Worried that everyone was going to walk away eventually, it was just a matter of time. But, dammit, his own heart was still so torn up. He wasn’t sure what to say. He sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his disheveled hair, only to have it drop right back into a shaggy mess around his face.

“I wasn’t even thinking about walking away, Jense. I was in it. I was so damned head over heels with you that you walking away tore my heart out.”

Was. Jensen heard the past tense in those words and he lost his breath for a long moment. “So. Now? Is it too late? Can I make you love me like that again? Could you ever love me like that again?” He bit his bottom lip hard enough he tasted blood. He knelt just a few feet away from Jared on the floor. “Is…Is there someone else now?”

If he could have torn his eyes away from Jared, Jensen would have done it. He wasn’t sure his heart could take it, those few seconds that stretched into a lifetime while he waited for the death knell that he was afraid was coming. Either Jared would say it was too late because he could never feel that way again or even worse, that he couldn’t because there was already someone new, someone who wasn’t so messed up that he hurt Jared by walking away.

Jared’s eyes narrowed as he peered at Jensen. “Has there been someone else for you, Jensen? Did you walk away and go test out your new freedom? Make sure that one guy wasn’t the same as the next? And don’t lie to me. You fucking owe me better than that.”

Jensen didn’t hesitate, he knew that he had no leeway in this situation. He needed to do everything in his power to make things right if he had any hope. “No. I never…I swear, Jared, no one. It didn’t even cross my mind. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else, ever. I was just scared of the power you had over me, because it was only you.”

A tiny piece of his heart settled in his chest and Jared welcomed it back. “I don’t know, Jen. Fuck. I have been a wreck. I can’t do this again. And you just walked away so easily. Just…just like it was nothing. I don’t know if I can trust you again. If I let you back in and you decide you are scared again or unsure or what the fuck ever, I will just be fucked again.” He looked down at his own hands, clenched tight in his lap.

Jensen couldn’t lose Jared now. “I won’t. I swear, J. I haven’t been myself. I thought I could do it. I thought I still had the ability to walk away. But I couldn’t. It hurt so bad. I can’t breathe without you. It was like I just wasn’t whole. Shit, that sounds so lame. But it’s true. I just went through the motions. I couldn’t even forget long enough to get a good night’s sleep or eat a decent meal. You are so much a part of me now, J. Please, please give me a chance. A chance to prove to you that you mean everything to me. I won’t hurt you, ever again. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you let me. If you just give me the opportunity. I love you so much. I never knew I could love someone like I love you.”

Jared knew he would never be able to hold out. No matter how angry he had been or how hard the last month had been, he loved Jensen and believed him. The pain and insecurity Jensen was feeling was written all over his face, a face that was sunken and tired and did indeed look like it hadn’t seen a decent meal in weeks. Jensen truly didn’t get that he was worth being loved so much. Jared was the man to show him that he was. He was so gone over Jensen and he planned to make him see his worth. And if Jensen ever even thought about walking out on him again, he would kick his ass until he couldn’t see straight. He would let Christian take a few swings as well, it was good to have Kane on his side.

Waiting for an answer while watching the play of emotions across Jared’s gorgeous, beloved face was harder than Jensen expected. He had torn himself apart during the time they had been separated and didn’t know he could still hurt this much. If Jared said no, refused to give him another chance, he would be devastated. Not that he would just let it go, he would continue to fight. Fight for as long as he thought there was a glimmer of a chance that Jared might forgive him and take him back.

“I love you Jen. You fucking ripped my heart out with that shit, but I still love you.” He saw Jensen start to look hopeful. “But if you ever do anything like that again? I will cut you out of my life. I mean it. I will not look back. It’s all or nothing, so you better be sure this is what you want.”

“It is, Jared.” He slowly moved in, kneeling close and wrapping his arms around Jared’s hips and leaning in, looking up into the face he had missed so desperately. “It’s everything I want. You are everything I want. You won’t be sorry. I will show you every day how sorry I am and how lucky I feel to have you in my life. God I’ve been so stupid and so scared. I don’t know how I ever thought anything could be worse than losing this.”

Jared dropped his head down on top of Jensen’s, drawing him closer, putting their bodies flush. “I love you, Jen.” Pulling the other man onto the bed, he wrapped him tight, and leaned his face back to look down into his eyes. “Missed you so fucking much. I don’t ever want to hurt like that again.” He traced a finger over Jensen’s nose, the freckles he loved more prominent after hours spent in the sun, “Smeckles.” He grinned as Jensen’s eyes closed as he soaked in the touch and closeness, needing it like a balm to his aching soul.

“Your Smeckles.” Jensen smiled lazily at the nickname. “Thank you, J. So sorry.”

They lay down on the bed, twined together as closely as possible, just breathing in sync. Jensen drew what felt like the first deep breath in a month.

Within minutes he was asleep.


chap 19



master post/all chaps here