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A little over a month later, Jensen was certain he had never been so depressed, so miserable. He felt out of whack and uncomfortable in his own skin. Time and distance were not making him miss Jared any less. In fact, the pain was all encompassing. He was breaking apart, felt shattered into a million pieces already. Every damn thing he saw, he heard, hell, he smelled made him think of and miss Jared more than he ever thought possible.

Gazing out over the crystal clear ocean, he realized that he hadn’t truly appreciated any of the beauty of this place. He had spent more time than not drunk, thinking surely that much alcohol could help you forget. But no. The ocean was only beautiful because most of the time it reflected one of the many colors of Jared’s eyes. He lay in the huge bed on thousand thread count sheets and only missed the sprawl of long limbs and warm tan skin. He wasn’t sure what he had eaten, but food only made him think again of the massive quantities he enjoyed watching Jared put away on a regular basis.

Less than two weeks until he was supposed to be back at a convention, sitting next to Jared, pretending he wasn’t just a walking shell of himself. Had Jared already moved on? He looked down at his new cell phone. How many times had he put in the number to call and beg for forgiveness, beg for just one more day, one more night, one more kiss? God he needed it, felt like he was going to die without it now. He had never loved anyone so much. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to get over this. Now what?


What a complete loser. Jared felt like crying, again. Seriously, when did he become a girl? But, fuck, he felt like a huge part of him had been torn away. And it was just a gaping Jensen shaped wound that wasn’t closing. He not only didn’t know what had happened, where Jensen was, but he had no hope of contacting him. He felt like he was just hanging, and was frustrated by his lack of options. He turned over, burying his face in Jensen’s pillow, trying to capture a whiff of the smell usually trapped there. But it was a lost cause, he had spent too much time smelling that same pillow, it had lost all traces of Jensen.

He had spent way too much time in bed the last few weeks, uninterested in doing anything else. He knew everyone was worried, but he didn’t much care. He talked to his momma long enough to convince her not to show up in Vancouver. He talked to Chad, tried to explain what was going on, but he wasn’t sure he could. He had called Chris multiple times, hoping Jensen’s oldest friend would have heard something. Chris tried to play it off, but Jared could hear the concern in his voice. He figured Chris knew things from Jensen’s past that could shed some light on his reactions recently, but when Chris refused to talk, there was no budging the man.

It wasn’t just that he loved Jensen, although that was certainly part of it. He had never felt this with anyone else. It was as if parts of him just didn’t work without Jensen. He sounded lame, even to himself, but again, he couldn’t really be bothered to care. The thought that there might in fact be someone else in Jensen’s life hurt too much to dwell on. He wasn’t sure he had it in him to deal if that were the truth. Jared had wanted Jensen for too long, and now that he had been with him, he considered Jensen his. His forever. He wanted Jensen for the long term, wanted to spend the rest of his life waking up to that face, those freckles, that long lean body; wanted to spend his days hearing that voice, the opinions, that laugh.

He missed his Smeckles. He actually grinned for a moment as he thought about the nickname he had given Jensen years before. Before anything had happened between them. Even then he had had an undeniable fascination with all things Jensen, especially those freckles. And that had been before he had known exactly how many he had on the upper curve of his perfect ass, among other places.

His phone rang, the number unavailable, and Jared’s heart tripped momentarily. He answered on the first ring.

Nothing. Jared said hello again, quiet but intense. Somehow he could almost feel that it was Jensen on the other end. He sat, listening intently, afraid to say anything, lest Jensen hang up again. He had received several of these calls in the last few weeks and he was certain it was Jensen every time.

“Jen?” Jared’s voice sounded hesitant, small, and Jensen hated himself for what he had put him through. And God, he didn’t love him any less in this moment than he had when he ran away like a coward to hide. This hadn’t worked at all. But he didn’t know how to say how sorry he was or how if Jared didn’t forgive him and take him back he wasn’t going to want to keep on living. How fucking pathetic did that sound?

Jensen drew in a breath to say something and hit end, hanging up on Jared yet again without ever having the nerve to even say ‘hello’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘I can’t fucking breathe without you’.

“Hey Chris.” Jensen sounded tired, but how was that possible? He hadn’t done anything productive in the last month. Hell, this was his first effort to even let the world know he hadn’t checked out completely, and yet he felt as if he had been ill for weeks or doing some extreme manual labor.

“Jen?” Chris’s voice was all kinds of worried and came out harsh. “Jenny? Is that you? Where the fuck have you been? Shit, son, I’m gonna kick your ass all the way back to Texas when I get ahold of you.”

Jensen was quiet a few moments and Chris found himself tensing, “Jensen? You have us all pretty fucking worried, dude, and not just that huge lumbering co-star of yours. Although, he has definitely been burning up my fucking phone lines looking for your ass…well, probably all parts of you.”

The small laugh was more of a huff of breath, “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I just…I got scared, man. Really overwhelmed. And I just didn’t know how to deal.”

“You aren’t…I mean, you are ok, right? Not like how things were the last time, right? Cuz I gotta tell you, Jen, that’s how it felt here.” Chris had been there for Jensen during some of his darkest times. Times that had seemed inescapable, including the time Jensen almost drank himself into a coma, literally. Chris had found him passed out and couldn’t revive him. Jensen had been in a serious depression, sure that he was unlovable and was going to spend his whole life alone. How could someone who attracted so many people not be able to carry a relationship more than a few weeks at a time? It seemed that everyone he ever really felt a connection to left him, didn’t feel the same. He had just sunk lower and lower and at the time couldn’t say for sure that he hadn’t intended to hurt himself.

“No!” Jensen is quick to reject that idea. “This is nothing like that. I just…well, I love him. I really fucking love him. But…”

“I kinda got that part. Not like anyone who knows you didn’t see it, buddy.”

“But like everyone else, I know he will just get sick of my shit and leave. I can’t…fuck…I’m terrified.”

Chris sighed, “Jen, he’s not all those other people. He’s a great guy. And anyone who has ever seen the two of you together, before or since you finally figured out your shit, can see how gone he is over you. He’s crazy about you.”

Hmm, Jensen hadn’t realized he was so transparent, not that he had consciously pushed Jared away, but still. Then again, it was Christian, and he had always had more insight than a redneck looking cowboy should when it came to Jensen.

“It seems to me he has already put up with a lot of crap,” Christian continued, “like you are trying to push him away for good.” Christian Kane didn’t pull any punches. He was a straightforward guy and had no intention of letting Jensen off the hook, nor letting him wallow in his own self-loathing and insecurity.

“I dunno man. I thought I could walk away and let it go. That I wasn’t in too deep yet. I have never felt like this, Kane, and now I know, I can’t…I can’t let him go. I feel like I’ve been walking around without part of me, man. It hurts like nothing else. As terrified as I have been about him walking away from me, there is no way it could be worse than not having him in my life, letting him go without a fight.”

“Right. So get your ass home, man. Make it right. He’s pretty fucking worried. I felt bad for the kid, seriously. I never knew if he was gonna cry on me one minute or tear someone’s lungs out the next. I never knew the boy had it in him.”

“But what if he can’t forgive me? What if he has moved on?” Jensen had considered all these things and so much more, but saying it out loud to someone else almost send him into a panic attack. He couldn’t never have Jared again, he couldn’t breathe just at the thought of him with someone else now. “When was the last time you heard from him?”

“I dunno, dude. Maybe two weeks? I heard from his sorry ass way too much for a couple of weeks. Felt like turning my phone off, cuz I never had any answers and he was making me more crazy than I already have been over your sorry ass, ‘cept I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t hear from you so I didn’t.”

Two weeks. Jensen thought a lot could happen in two weeks. Jared was like a fucking magnet, people just walked into a room, fell in love with him, and he would just fall right back. His reality filter was pretty non-existent when it came to what was good for him and waiting for the right thing, he had so much love inside him, so much to give and he seemed to need for someone to love him. What if he had found another someone? Someone who wasn’t so messed up and could love Jared without fear?

Still so many questions. So many fears. But no fear was greater than the thought of having Jared gone completely, of seeing him giving all that he had to give to someone else, loving them and shining all that happiness on anyone but Jensen. So it was time to go fight for what he wanted instead of against it, against everything he wanted and was afraid he couldn’t have. Time to stop letting his dread and insecurity keep out the very best thing that would ever happen to him.

“You still there?” Kane sounded concerned. He was truly a devoted friend. Jensen had been blessed the day Christian Kane decided that Jensen needed a friend and a protector, because once you were in with Kane, he was there for you for life.

“I’m here. Just scared. But its time. Time to stop being a fucking pussy and hiding. Time to say what I have to say and hope he will forgive me. Give me another chance.” Jensen drew a deep breath. Figure out what I have to do to make it right, because not having Jared was a thought he couldn’t stand anymore. “Thanks, Chris. You’re a good friend. “

“Good’s ass, son. I’m the best fuckin friend you will ever have. Now, go get your boy.”

chap 18

master post/all chaps here


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November 2016


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